Blissed Out and High on Mantra

I just got back from an amazing weekend away.  I spent the weekend at Ananda Ashram in New York State.  Jai Uttal held a kirtan workshop there, and I am a kirtan junkie.  An entire weekend of kirtan, just two hours from home, was too good to pass up, so I left my husband with the kids and headed north after work on Friday.

I need to point out that a couple of years ago I wouldn't have even thought about going someplace I'd never been before, especially on my own.  I definitely wouldn't have accepted dorm-style housing, where I had to share a room with four or five perfect strangers.  If I had gone, I would have spent the weekend avoiding contact with anyone, not talking, because I would have felt that I didn't fit in with anyone and I had no idea what I was doing I couldn't even say hi to these people who knew what was going on.  So much has changed for me.  I wasn't freaked out at all.  I drove up there with a feeling of absolute peace, knowing I would find my way and everything would be fine when I got there.  I introduced myself to my roommates, who turned out to be interesting women and not all that different from me.  I never once felt out of place.  I am still amazed at what I am able to do, now that I've gotten over myself.

The workshop opened Friday night with a kirtan.  Kirtan, for those who don't know, is call and response singing of Sanskrit mantras.  I love kirtan, and Jai Uttal is a master.  He builds the song up until everyone is clapping or dancing or just swaying in their seats, and then brings us down gently.  Then he starts again with another chant.  The energy in the room starts vibrating.  It's a wild thing to experience. 

When it was over, I went to bed and tried to sleep.  Sleeping is difficult when your whole body is buzzing.  I'm pretty sure I was awake all night, but when the sun came up I headed for the morning yoga class, full of energy.  I love the kirtan high.

The rest of the weekend was divided between yoga, meditation, and more kirtan.  The workshop part was kirtan with some extra talking in between the chants.  Jai and his tabla player, Daniel Paul, are cool guys, very down to earth and authentic.  I could listen to Jai talk about kirtan, his views on spirituality, and music for hours.  Actually, I did listen to him talk for hours.  When this morning's kirtan workshop ended, nobody moved until the last note had completely faded away.  If it wasn't for my stomach growling, reminding me that it was lunch time, I'd probably still be sitting there.

The one downside to the weekend was the heat.  Jai and Daniel live in California and Hawaii, respectively, and they were complaining about the heat.  96 degrees is abnormally high for early June in the Northeast.  Saturday night we all slept without blankets, laying down and not moving so we wouldn't start sweating again.  While air conditioning the ashram would be wrong, I'm sure, I couldn't help wishing for it last night.  Luckily I was exhausted by the time we went to bed, and I slept despite the heat.

Kirtan was awesome, but the most profound part for me was the meditation.  The ashram has morning and evening meditations.  They are always the same.  There is chanting, maybe a reading, then silent meditation, followed by more chanting.  I have never been good at silent meditation.  I always talk myself out of sitting.  I fidget, adjust my position, decide I'm uncomfortable, then shift so I am leaning back on the wall and promptly fall asleep.  I didn't want to do that in front of people.  So I just sat.  I think, by forcing myself to just sit until they went back to chanting, I might have gotten the whole meditation thing.  I won't say that I was able to clear my mind for the whole time.  Thoughts came.  Some were plans, some memories, some just fantasies.  I let the thoughts be, and found that they left again.  When I stopped trying to make my mind clear, I had brief moments of silence.  Maybe they were only a second or two, but I'll take what I can get.  This morning, when they announced after the opening chants that we would be sitting in silence for 25 minutes, I had a moment of panic.  25 minutes sounds like a long time, and I had to tell myself that all I could do was try.  25 minutes actually went pretty fast.  My mind wasn't clear.  I felt myself smile a couple of times when I thought about kirtan or something my kids did last week.  Eventually it got quieter.  Maybe five seconds this time.  It doesn't sound like much, but I'm proud of my progress. 

When it was time to leave, I will admit to dragging my feet a bit.  I can understand the man I had lunch with who came to the ashram five years ago and hasn't found a good reason to leave yet.  I felt so peaceful, so complete, I wanted to stay forever.  But I remembered words I had heard the night before during the readings, about being a spiritual being in the real world.  We can't live in isolation, without regard for family and livelihood.  We need to live in the world.  So I and my bliss got into the car.

During my drive, I listended to part of the audiobook Eat, Pray, Love.  As I pulled into the driveway, the author was talking about eating the best pizza in the world in Naples, Italy.  As soon as she started discussing pizza, I realized that I really wanted some of that myself.  The food at the ashram was good, but vegan, and I was missing cheese. 

Now I am sitting here digesting my pizza and cooling in the air conditioning, which is another kind of bliss.